Because I really can’t ever be happy

Remember how I shared that it took a month or so before Mark and I shared our first kiss? And everyone was all, “WTH” and I was all “Dude, he was my Sunday School teacher! You NEVER make out with your Sunday School teacher on a first date. It’s in the Bible” and y’all were all “Are you sure he even liked you?”

Remember that post?

Well, first of all, he DID TO like me.

And second, that wasn’t the only level of physical intimacy that we waited to… enjoy. I’m not going into any specifics because both of our moms read this blog (hello, Moms, who are probably having a heart attack right now) and Mark would, well, he’d kill me. And I like being alive. So let’s just say that when I hear that it is a common practice among my peers to CONSUMATE your relationship by the THIRD date I poop my pants. I seriously can’t believe it. I don’t know that I could wear a one-piece bathing suit in front of you by the third date much less… YOU KNOW.

So I’m sharing all of that to share this…

I was allowed into Mark’s bedroom one time the entire time we were dating.

ONE time. 

The ONE TIME I did spend a substantial amount of time in his bedroom was only because he was painting it so there was no furniture in there. In other words, there was no BED in there. A bed that we could have… YOU KNOW.

(my mom is having an asthma attack right now…”Marie! You weren’t supposed to think about YOU KNOW before you were married!”)

Any time we made out it was on the couch in his living room.

(Mark is having an asthma attack right now… “Marie! No one is supposed to know we made out before we were married!”)

(I’m having an asthma attack right now… “Mark! You’re reading my blog?”)

So all of our make out activities were strictly relegated to areas where we could be walked in on at any time (he’s always had roomies) which meant we wouldn’t end up doing anything we were embarrassed to be caught in the middle of.

It’s a great plan. It worked.

But can I tell you that the entire time we were dating the thing I wanted more than anything in the entire world was to kiss this man in his bedroom. It was like that stupid forbidden fruit. And I wanted a bite.

“Can we go in your room?”

“No.”

“Seriously? We can’t even just pop kiss in there?”

“No.”

“Can I have a greyhound?”

Just kidding. Wanted to make sure you were still awake.

I was relentless, but not relentless enough. He was not changing his stance on In Bedroom Kissing.

I wish I was joking, People.

When we decided to get married I was positive that there would be NOTHING better than finally getting into his bedroom. With the bed in it. I mean, there were going to be angels and ponies and rainbows in there. I was sure of it. If you asked me the week before our wedding the three things I was most excited about this would have been my list: 1) Our Jamaican honeymoon, 2) Getting to sit on Mark’s bed and 3) Commiting my entire life to one person.

My first night in my new home was, well, awkward. We had just gotten home from our honeymoon, so I was already used to sleeping in the same bed as Mark, but this night would be the first time I was allowed to enter the inner sanctum. There was so much anticipation on my end that I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I waited in the living room as Mark got ready for bed because I hadn’t been given the verbal ok to enter.

“Are you coming to bed?”

“Um, sure… uh, where should I sleep…”

“What? In our bedroom…”

“Are you saying I’m allowed to enter now? Should I take a shower first or anything? What are the rules for… In There?”

“You are so weird.”

Weird AND ecstatic. We were going to pop kiss In There. We were going to make out In There. We were going to…. YOU KNOW IN THERE.

Heaven.

Well, we’ve been married a year and a half now and do you that the ONLY place we do anything is in the bedroom? The boring bedroom that doesn’t have angels or ponies or rainbows. Just dirty clothes and cats.

And do you know what I want more than anything in the entire world?

To make out in the living room.

*This post is proudly sponsored by the Coalition of Men Who Correctly Believe Women Are Never Happy.

I can’t even show up to a #GoalMeetup on time

So how about I just skip all the excuses about how I didn’t meet any of #goalmeetup plans and let you know about the one I did meet…

I passed my MFT exam!

Which, in my opinion, is part miracle part hard work.

You may recall my post where I vomited everything I know about marriage and family therapy onto you. Well, in there I say that I call it the MFT exam when really it’s the “Lots of Letters I Don’t Remember” Exam. I really didn’t take the time to know the official name of the test because I was pretty sure it didn’t matter…

Well. I was wrong.

I walk into the testing center that Friday afternoon and let the nice man know I’m here to take the MFT exam.

Nice Man:  MFT exam? We don’t have an MFT exam… (he starts looking through his list)

Holy potatoes. The only thing I didn’t think to study for, THE NAME OF THE TEST, was going to be the death of me.

Me: Um, I don’t know the official name. But the letters M, F, and T should be in there.

Nice Man: Oh, here it is… The National Counseling for Things Marie Has Never Heard Of Exam. Let’s get you set up…

Me: No! No! No! That’s not my test! I need a test with M’s, F’s and T’s in the name. Marriage and Family Therapy. That’s what I do. Um, try AMFT…R…LC…Q… yeah, look that up.

Nice Man: You want me to look up AMFTRLCQ?

Me: Um, yeah. We’ll start there.

I was screwed.

We finally figured out which test was mine (AMFTRB) and I was ready to spend the next 4 hours working on the 200 question test. By the time I walked out I was pretty sure that me having trouble with the name of the test and that turning out to be the easiest thing I answered that afternoon was a sign that I was NOT going to get a passing score.  

Thankfully, my gut was so WRONG and I passed. No clue whatsoever on how I pulled of this miracle, but I did it.

This test doesn’t really mean anything in regards to my licensure other than I have to hurry up and get my 2000 clinical hours in stat.

And to get this out of the way, here are my November goals:

1) Stay in budget with the food (Mark and I took out the budgeted amount for food in October and did an excellent job staying in budget. We’ll be looking to do the same thing again.)
2) Get Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving.
3) Bring something (ANYTHING) to Thanksgiving dinner.
4) Love my body again by doing something active every single day (actually did an awesome job with this last month, too, but wanted to make it more tangible.
5) Seriously clean that dining/office room.

When The Internet Comes to Nashville

Mom:  Who are you texting?

Oh dear. I had been caught.

Me:  Monica…

Telling my mom that I had given my phone number to someone I met on The Internet was sure to be a disaster. I braced myself for a lecture on how everyone on Myspace is a rapist. Don’t I watch Dateline?

Mom: Monica? I don’t know a Monica…

Crap. Here we go.

Me: Monica. I met her on The Internet.

Mom: Monica? From The Internet? That comments on your blog? Oh, I like her. She’s funny. You know how you can just tell someone’s a good person? I get that from Monica.

Me: Mom, chill out, Monica is NOT going to rape me- Wait. What?

Mom: I like Monica. She’s funny.

Who on earth are you? My mom being down with The Internet coming to life? Never would have thought she’d be so progressive.

Mom: Do you think she knows Jesus?

Ah, there’s the mom I know and love.

You read that correctly. My very first “I only know you through The Internet but I think you’re absolutely fabulous” lunch. Moncia and The GF are wonderful, charming, and funny. Every bit as fabulous as my mom and I thought she would be.

The ONLY bad part about our lunch date was that I couldn’t keep them. Thankfully, I got pictures…

Marie “Kreativ Blogger” McKinney-Oates. That’s a lot of nameage.

I’m not going to gush on her anymore because this is getting sick, but another reason I love her is because her brainchild is part of the reason that I have been introduced to so many other bloggers out there. I heart other bloggers. Especially sweet ones like Angelia at Amelioration of Ang who GIVE ME AWARDS! That’s so cool. Thank you, Angelia!

I don’t think I’m very much of a Kreativ Blogger. Kreativ Bloggers knit things and have etsy shops. I do neither. BUT I did draw a picture last Friday so I’m taking this award with a huge “Hellz Yeah”.

So here are the rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award. (check)
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog. (check)
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award. (check)
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting. (see below)
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers. (see below)
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate. (check)
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated. (to be done)

Ok, 7 interesting things…

a) I can’t listen to someone talk about heights/jumping out of planes/climbing rocks without my hands getting totally clammy. That’s why even thinking I’d climb a rock was hilarious from the beginning.

b) I love American Girl dolls. Right after getting married and becoming a cat parent, my visit to the American Girl store in Chicago is one of the best experiences in my life.

c) I want to tell you about my little sister’s blog because she’s so funny, but 15 year olds are moody and I’m not sure she’d be happy with me outing her corner of the internet. She’s edgy and so much cooler than me. I love it.

d) I knew I would marry Mark many times over, but one of the funniest times I knew was when he told me what he’d name his future son. When I was with the guy I dated forever I always said I wanted to name our kid Barney Barnes (his last name was Barnes). Because that’s funny. The guy hated the idea. Well, I obviously never told Mark this, but one day when we were talking about kids he said he’d want to name his son Otis. Otis Oates. Match made in heaven, right?

e) I can’t wait to be a grandparent. It looks like so much fun.

f) I’ve replaced my McDonald’s addiction with a Totino’s Pizza one. Those things are awesome.

g) I hate that Bloody Mary story that says if you turn the light off in the bathroom and say her name so many times she’ll come out of the mirror. It freaks me out and I will NEVER go into a bathroom with a light off. Ever.

I’m sure that was thrilling for all of you. Now here are my 7 Kreativ Blogger Nominations that I’ve limited to people who live in Nashville. Who knew there’d be so many TN bloggers…

My Sister – She’s funny. Especially her stories about our mom. (I’ve been permitted!)

Susan - One of my best friends that I refer to as my “partner in crime”.

Sarah  – We went to high school together and I always wondered how she always got the highest grades in Ms. Coombs’ English class. Well, she started a blog recently and it’s because she’s a brilliant writer.

Jessica – Another dear real life friend that started a blog about how to be a fashionista on a budget. I adore this girl.

The CURRENT Mrs. Smith – One of my favorite bridal bloggers turned newlywed blogger. What I love is that she stayed fun and sassy after the wedding. Not an easy thing for the newlywed bloggers of the world.

Candice – I’m not sure if you’ll be able to get to this blog because it might be private, but I love this girl. She’s SECRETIVE because she’s awesome.

Kathy and Rebekah – These are mommy bloggers with adorable kids and kid stories. Love those. They’re together because we know each other because of an intricate web of friendships. And because, technically, I’m going over my 7 nominee limit so putting them together allows me to feel like I’m following the rules.

Ok, now I just have to go comment on everyone and let them know they’ve warmed my heart with their blogging goodness…

Missed Connections by Marie

Rebecca at Modite never fails to inspire me with her encouraging and thought-provoking ideas on career and life in general. I mean, it’s her fault that the entire Internet is trying to workout more and perform better at work. No one wants to look bad on #goalmeetup day.

Lately she’s been awesome at updating the Design & Style section of her site. I’m loving the goodness that she has been introducing to me. One of those nuggets of goodness was this post on Missed Connections. You know, those posts on Craigslist where you lament about not talking to the 7 foot model sitting next to you on the bus ride home. Well, an artist started using those Craigslist missed connection posts as inspiration and they’re pretty awesome.

So awesome, in fact, that I took a stab at illustrating my OWN recent missed connection. The Garfield cat that was hanging out on my doorstep before I left for work one morning. I chased it down, in the rain, trying to give it a can of Fancy Feast.

This “art” is dedicated to That Cat.

I really don’t have too much time on my hands. I just spend it weird.

Oh, and because I want to keep this real, I DID post an actual Missed Connection on Craigslist. For the cat.

(media: highlighters on my desk, pencil on my desk, red sharpie on my desk, and paper from the “oops, didn’t mean to print that” bin)

I’d name her Bess

Get your prospect in the habit of saying yes (Secret #3)

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Mark: Sure.

Me: Can I ask you a question, YES or no? (you have to spell it out for some people)

Mark: Yes.

Time for the Big Ask…

Me: Can I have a greyhound?

Mark: What? Like a dog?

Me: Can I have a greyhound, YES or no?

Mark: No.

strike one

Ask for something big first and follow up with a relatively smaller request which is now more likely to be fulfilled (Reciprocal Concessions)

Me: Do you think we should start trying to have a baby?

Mark: No… did YOU want to start trying?

Me: Can I have a greyhound?

Mark: Oh my gosh. Are you serious?

strike two

Ask for what you want (What I try to teach couples).

Me: I would like a greyhound.

Mark: Yeah, I kinda got the hint. What sparked this great idea?

Me: I saw someone walking one on the way to work.

Mark: Yes, of course… you know that they are really high maintenance, right?

Me: I’m high maintenance!

Mark: They need lots of exercise.

Me: I need lots of exercise!

Mark: You won’t even walk to the mailbox.

Me: BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE A GREYHOUND!

Mark: I’m ignoring you.

strike 3

I want one so bad, People. I’ve used all the tricks I know. Any suggestions on how to make this beautiful creature mine?

Pretty sure this would be classified as Narcissitic Personality Disorder

But then again, doesn’t blogging in general put us in that category?

Phindy sent me some of the headshots last week. They’re up on all the important places: Twitter, Facebook and the Nashville Marriage Studio About Page.

There is something about getting professional pictures done that makes you think, somewhere in the back of your head, that you’re going to come out looking like Giselle Bunchen. Or at least have her butt. Right?

At first I was shocked. Where is Giselle?

And then I was like, “Oh, these are so pretty!” And I put them everywhere I could think of.

Then I told Mark that I got the pics, and he asked if I liked them. And I was stumped. Can I really say, “Yes”? Isn’t that kind of… weird?

So I just emailed them to him so he could see if HE liked them.

And then I freaked out. What if he didn’t like them? What if he finds out he isn’t attracted to me because of THESE pictures that do not look like Giselle Bunchen?

Oh dear.

So I waited for his response. Not at all Patiently.

He just stared. Silently.

I freaked.

“OMG! Tell me what you think!”

“This is beautiful. You are beautiful. I have never seen a picture that captured you as perfectly as this one.”

I think he even started tearing up and talking about how thankful he was that we had this picture. 

And all of a sudden Mindy and Phil gave me so much more than great headshots. They gave me a glimpse of what Mark sees when he thinks about the girl he loves.

And that’s beyond awesome.

That’s Master McKinney-Oates to you…

When you get your Masters the very first thing people ask is, “When are you going to get your doctorate?”

Seriously? I just completed a level of education that some people don’t even have the luxury of dreaming about and you’re asking me when I’m going to do MORE? Why can’t you just be happy for me, MOM?

Just kidding. My mom NEVER pressured me about school. Ever.

After being asked when I would become Dr. McKinney (no Oates at the time) enough times I started saying, “Actually, I’m just going to stop here. At my Masters. Because who really wants to be Dr. McKinney when they can be MASTER McKinney?”

In all seriousness, I was going to stop at Masters no matter what because the idea of more school honestly makes me want to puke. And not in the good way.

I don’t talk tons about having a masters for two reasons:

1) It wasn’t THAT hard. And I don’t mean that in a condescending, gosh it’s hard to be so smart way. I mean it in a Master’s of Marriage and Family Therapy really isn’t the hardest thing in the world to get through. It wasn’t easy, but it just never felt like something to brag about.

2) I have no clue if it’s Masters or Master’s. This makes me insecure. I told you getting a masters is not an indication of my smartness.

Well, this Friday I’m taking an exam that I call the MFT exam when really it’s the “Lots of Letters I don’t remember” Exam. Basically, it’s the national test that I have to take if I want to be licensed.

I’ve been studying for this test for the past month and have really gotten serious in the last week or so. No, I’m not freaking out about ‘procrastinating’ and I really do think I’ll do fine.

What’s amazing, though, is that in reviewing all the different theories of therapy I am realizing that I was supposed to learned a whole heck of a lot of stuff!

One of the best ways for me to learn is to talk about something, or teach it to others. I should probably try to teach it to Mark, but, Dudes, these are therapy techniques. Ways to bring about change in others. If I teach him what I know I will lose all my power in this relationship. Not an option.

So I’m going to put it in the best hiding place I know when it comes to Mark. The McKinney-Oates Cereal Blog. And you, dear reader, will be my pupil. If you want a recap of what I’ve been studying read below…

(I got this idea from Erica at You Should Only Know because she’s blogging about her graduate program in Industrial/Organizational Psych which is AWESOME.)

Do you think my ears are wiggling enough?

I have been in love with Nashville’s Phindy Studios ever since I saw them on Ashley’s Bride Guide a while ago. Seriously, go check out the interview on ABG here.

Finished reading? Does their adorableness not just ooze through? It’s hard to ooze adorableness. Trust me. I do it daily. It’s tough.

I know you didn’t read it. So here’s a segment of the interview where Ashley asks what their fave pics are:

Mindy: Right now, it is a photo from our latest bridal portrait session. It is one Phil took up close of Amanda and her veil and it shows her nose ring. I love it when brides have unique style.

Phil: My favorite photos seem to always be ones Mindy shot. Favorites constantly change and are usually just from the last session we have done, which happens to be the same bridal session Mindy is talking about. My favorite right now is this bouquet shot with great sun flare. I loved it so much we just ordered a huge canvas for our home studio.

Mindy: Don’t you love how we both copped out and didn’t choose our own images??

Adorable.

And I don’t know if you caught it, but they are Phindy Studios because he’s Phil and she’s Mindy. That makes Phindy. Swoon.

I continued to follow their blog and eventually I couldn’t contain the love any more. I asked them to do an e-mail interview about their relationship for Nashville Marriage Studio. In my world there isn’t a better sign of a great relationship than two people doing something they love for a living. Their interview was lovely and I think they are a wonderful example of a great duo.

Well, their awesomeness didn’t end there. A few weeks ago they tweeted me asking if I would like some headshots.

WOULD I LIKE HEADSHOTS?

Um, yes, please!

Well, when I said yes I did it believing that it was “just” a couple of pictures. I have taken pictures my entire life.

One of my earliest photo shoots.

This would be cake. Right?

Maybe it would’ve been cake if I hadn’t decided to watch an entire weekend’s worth of America’s Next Top Model. All of a sudden I became very aware of the fact that taking pictures is an art form. A very difficult art form that only the skinniest of us will ever perfect.

In one episode Tyra shared that her modeling secret was “wiggling her ears”, and the contestant needed to learn how to do it OR SHE WOULD PERISH.

I’m sure you’re trying to wiggle your ears right now because how could you help yourself? I just told you that it’s the secret to supermodel-dom. You have to try.

But try all you want. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE. Only Tyra and my husband can do it.

My heart was immediately gripped with fear. My pictures would surely be horrible all because my stupid ears wouldn’t work. Damn.

Well, I met with Phil and Mindy today for The Shoot. I was beyond nervous. You know that test I’m taking on Friday? Yeah, I would have rather gone ahead and done that right then and there than have my picture taken. The thought of having my picture taken was agony. And I’m a drama queen.

Well, they were super adorable. And so nice about everything. Even my over the top nervousness.

And Mindy? Mindy is SO pretty. I mean, I knew she was pretty because I have seen her picture, but I figured, “Dude, they’re photographers. They have magic in their cameras or something. She has to look normal in real life”. And she does look normal FOR ANGELINA JOLIE. Not only that, but she was genuinely sweet. That’s a rare combo.

And Phil? Oh, I felt bad for Phil because he took the pictures and had to deal with… me.

At one point he starts looking through some of the shots and says, “These are pretty good,” and I say “Yeah… I was wiggling my ears.”

Apparently Tyra’s ear-wiggling trick isn’t common knowledge because first Phil gave me a “WTF” look and then asked, “WTF?”

Just kidding. He didn’t say “WTF”.

But he did ask, “What does that mean?”

Oh, it just means I take reality tv way too seriously.

The whole headshot thing turned into a great experience that I really enjoyed. And I found out that my gut about these two was so right on. Their skill is as much their ability to make you feel comfortable as it is their technical expertise.

Also if there is anyone out there reading my blog that might be getting married soon you know who you are Greg and Hanihe and needs a photographer I’d highly recommend checking them out.

But I don’t WANNA go to the #GoalMeetUp…

I think we all know how my goals turned out. Ugh.

So now it’s on to October. It’s a clean slate. My sins from September are dead and buried. Moving on…

Goal #1 – Get the Blogger Dance Party up with Monica. I am serious about this. I’m thinking all of us shooting some video dancing to a song (Monica suggested “Dancing Queen” or “Vogue” which I think either would be fabulous) and then you’d send them to me and I’d make Mark put them together in a “blogging dance party” kind of way. And you don’t have to be a blogger (hi, Veda) to play. Who’s in?

Goal #2 – Love my body in at least one way every day. Last weekend I decided that I was done with hateful, negative thoughts towards my body. So I took a magic marker and started writing on all the body parts that I typically ridicule. I wrote “Love” on my stomach. “Healthy” and “Beauty” on my thighs. And if you were at the Pampered Chef party you may have noticed some of the “love” ink bled through my shirt because I (stupidly) used my Downy Ironing Sauce before I headed out the door. Oops. Anyways, I wrote these words on my body and do you know my mind started changing immediately. All of a sudden I wanted to pamper my body with bananas for breakfast instead of a french toast sticks from Sonic. And I even worked out some because I thought this wonderful body of mind deserved it. I think changing my frame of mind is really going to help with that whole “workout” and “drive past NOT thru McD’s” goal.

Goal #3 – Decorate/clean our dining room area. Right now it’s half office/half storage space/half complete and utter eyesore. I would post a picture, but that’s just embarrassing.

Goal #4 – Pass my MFT exam. Because I have to. And I’ve spent way more money on this test than I’d ever care to admit. And if I don’t pass I’ll have to spend that money again. And if I have to spend that money again Mark will probably cry himself to sleep for a month.

Goal #5 – Why do I want a goal #5 so bad? BECAUSE I HATE EVEN NUMBERS. I don’t even want to put this out there, but I’m going to because I read The Alchemist and The Universe responds to bravery. (it took 10  minutes of staring at the screen to write this goal…) Couples for Bound Together. I need to quit being a wimp. That is all.

Oh, and I want to make out with Mark more. It’s true, but I mostly shared it because I wanted to throw some pizazz in this post. It needed it. (And seriously, committed relationship folks make October Make Out Month!)