Mark and I start off nearly every morning with prayer. Nothing particularly holy or spiritual, just two people who believe in a loving God giving thanks, asking for wisdom, or praying for our friends and family. Seriously, our prayers last about 45 seconds and are simply a part of our goodbye routine in the mornings. And I would be lying if, most days, I didn’t see our prayer time as just another obstacle between me and getting out of the house on time.

Mark and I also have lots of fights discussions that sound like they’re coming straight out of our favorite book on communication…

Mark: Why are you doing the dishes like that?

Me: I would REALLY appreciate if you didn’t criticize the way I did the dishes. Jerk.

Mark: It wasn’t my intention to criticize your dishwashing skills, what did you hear me say?

Me: I heard you say that I’m doing the dishes wrong. It was more in your tone than in your words…

Mark: I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant. And my tone was probably because I don’t understand why you’re not using the dishwasher I installed. I put it in because I thought you wanted one, and I was just disappointed you weren’t using it, I guess.

Me: I really appreciate the dishwasher, and at the same time there were only a few dishes so I figured it was easier to just wash them by hand. Sorry about jumping to conclusions… forgive me?

Mark: Of course, Sweetie. (cue the rainbows and butterflies)

Lots of I-statements, lots of clarification, lots of active listening.

And lots of Marie eye-rolling.

I’m all about these skills, obviously. However, sometimes I think the whole process can be time consuming and feel a bit on the scripted side. And there were times, especially during the first few months of marriage, when I was so mad and Mark tried to pull the “what did I do and how did it make you feel” crap and I would yell, “Oh give me a break with your psycho-babble questions. Let’s fight like a REAL COUPLE.”

Yes, the MASTER of marriage and family therapy told her husband to quit the psycho-babble and partake in some good, old-fashioned mud slinging.

Praying nearly every morning and talking through nearly every conflict we encounter has seemed like overkill to me on more than one million occasion.

Then last week happened.

I got home and saw Mark staring worriedly at his computer. I knew something was wrong and my gut said that ’something’ was finances. And I was right. According to Mint, money was going to be a little tighter this month and I think Mark was on the verge of a panic attack.

As we sat there looking at our accounts I could feel the tension between us. I could feel him wanting to question me about always forgetting to pack a lunch and eating out nearly everyday. I wanted to wonder outloud if this rock climber gig was really worth it and maybe he should just go ahead and do something else. All the ingredients were there for us to have one of those financial fights that destroy marriages.

Except we didn’t have the fight.

Without skipping a beat we had a psycho-babble conversation about what we were afraid of and how we could fix this as a team. And as natural as a goldfish in water we prayed for guidance and expressed gratitude for everything we DID have (each other, great family and friendships, health).

All of a sudden all of our morning prayers and over-analytical conversations made sense. We decided early in our relationship that we valued our spirituality and our communication and we’ve exercised those values on a daily basis. Last week all of that exercise added up to a really great moment for Mark and I.

It’s so easy to look at all the small things we do and wonder “What’s the point?”, especially in our immediate gratification obsessed culture. Maybe your awesomeness at work is still going unnoticed or you’ve been Shredding it for 2 weeks and still can’t get into your skinny jeans. I’d really like to encourage you to keep going and all your hard work will pay off soon enough.

***
Because I’m sure I’ve bored some of you to tears, here’s a treat for everyone who made it this far. A FB status that I wanted to write but knew wouldn’t be a good idea so I hid it here, at the end of a “serious” post:

Marie McKinney-Oates pooted something ferocious and would love to blame it on Nala but is pretty sure Mark would take the little guy to the vet…

One time in college a friend called my dorm room at some ungodly hour and I answered with as much chippery-ness as I could muster. I was determined that she would not know that she woke me up from the recurring dream where me and Kenny the hot RA were about to kiss. Determined.

“Were you already awake?” she asked like it would be crazy to be awake at that hour (to which I would like to ask THEN WHY THE HECK ARE YOU CALLING?)

“Um, no, not really… your call woke me up. What’s up?” I answered STILL really cheery.

So she was all, “Wow… you sound really… happy,” in a tone that clearly meant, “Are you on drugs?”

I wasn’t on drugs. But I do like to respond, as nicely as possible, when people talk to me. Even if I’m asleep or about to fall asleep.

Wanting to respond, no matter my state of awareness, means that I do a lot of nonsensical talking. Especially to Mark. I don’t know how many times Mark has told me that he would ask me a question, thinking I was awake, and get an answer about my thoughts on Fox News and how the cats MIGHT be aliens.

One morning Mark and I had to wake up extra early and I reached over to check the time on my phone. Instead of grabbing the phone I ended up swiping it off the dresser.

Mark: What was that?

Me: I knocked my phone off the dresser. (I said this into my pillow because that’s how everyone talks at 4 in the morning)

Mark: Oh, you’re still asleep.

Me: No, I’m not.

Mark: You say the weirdest things when you’re sleeping.

Me: I’m NOT sleeping! I knocked my phone off the dresser!

Mark: Quit talking in your sleep.

I can’t describe to you how distraught I was in the middle of this conversation. It was like someone telling you that you’re dead when you’re so NOT dead but they can’t hear you so you’re wondering “Well maybe I AM dead and being dead doesn’t feel any different that feeling alive…”

You know that feeling, right?

And he was being so serious. Like I really was talking all non-sensical when IN REALITY I was making perfect sense. Perfect.

Me: I AM NOT ASLEEP.

Mark: (silence because he’d given up on talking to crazy woman)

Me: Give me a math problem. I can do a math problem.

Mark: What?

Me: Give me any math problem. I’ll do it and prove that I AM AWAKE.

And that’s when it hit me that if he thought I was talking in my sleep before then demanding to prove Pythagorean’s Theorem at 4:15 in the morning was not going to “prove” anything other than, well, I was crazy. And more than likely talking in my sleep. Nothing I could do would have proven my awakeness.

And I still get mad at him when I remember this.

Remember how I shared that it took a month or so before Mark and I shared our first kiss? And everyone was all, “WTH” and I was all “Dude, he was my Sunday School teacher! You NEVER make out with your Sunday School teacher on a first date. It’s in the Bible” and y’all were all “Are you sure he even liked you?”

Remember that post?

Well, first of all, he DID TO like me.

And second, that wasn’t the only level of physical intimacy that we waited to… enjoy. I’m not going into any specifics because both of our moms read this blog (hello, Moms, who are probably having a heart attack right now) and Mark would, well, he’d kill me. And I like being alive. So let’s just say that when I hear that it is a common practice among my peers to CONSUMATE your relationship by the THIRD date I poop my pants. I seriously can’t believe it. I don’t know that I could wear a one-piece bathing suit in front of you by the third date much less… YOU KNOW.

So I’m sharing all of that to share this…

I was allowed into Mark’s bedroom one time the entire time we were dating.

ONE time. 

The ONE TIME I did spend a substantial amount of time in his bedroom was only because he was painting it so there was no furniture in there. In other words, there was no BED in there. A bed that we could have… YOU KNOW.

(my mom is having an asthma attack right now…”Marie! You weren’t supposed to think about YOU KNOW before you were married!”)

Any time we made out it was on the couch in his living room.

(Mark is having an asthma attack right now… “Marie! No one is supposed to know we made out before we were married!”)

(I’m having an asthma attack right now… “Mark! You’re reading my blog?”)

So all of our make out activities were strictly relegated to areas where we could be walked in on at any time (he’s always had roomies) which meant we wouldn’t end up doing anything we were embarrassed to be caught in the middle of.

It’s a great plan. It worked.

But can I tell you that the entire time we were dating the thing I wanted more than anything in the entire world was to kiss this man in his bedroom. It was like that stupid forbidden fruit. And I wanted a bite.

“Can we go in your room?”

“No.”

“Seriously? We can’t even just pop kiss in there?”

“No.”

“Can I have a greyhound?”

Just kidding. Wanted to make sure you were still awake.

I was relentless, but not relentless enough. He was not changing his stance on In Bedroom Kissing.

I wish I was joking, People.

When we decided to get married I was positive that there would be NOTHING better than finally getting into his bedroom. With the bed in it. I mean, there were going to be angels and ponies and rainbows in there. I was sure of it. If you asked me the week before our wedding the three things I was most excited about this would have been my list: 1) Our Jamaican honeymoon, 2) Getting to sit on Mark’s bed and 3) Commiting my entire life to one person.

My first night in my new home was, well, awkward. We had just gotten home from our honeymoon, so I was already used to sleeping in the same bed as Mark, but this night would be the first time I was allowed to enter the inner sanctum. There was so much anticipation on my end that I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I waited in the living room as Mark got ready for bed because I hadn’t been given the verbal ok to enter.

“Are you coming to bed?”

“Um, sure… uh, where should I sleep…”

“What? In our bedroom…”

“Are you saying I’m allowed to enter now? Should I take a shower first or anything? What are the rules for… In There?”

“You are so weird.”

Weird AND ecstatic. We were going to pop kiss In There. We were going to make out In There. We were going to…. YOU KNOW IN THERE.

Heaven.

Well, we’ve been married a year and a half now and do you that the ONLY place we do anything is in the bedroom? The boring bedroom that doesn’t have angels or ponies or rainbows. Just dirty clothes and cats.

And do you know what I want more than anything in the entire world?

To make out in the living room.

*This post is proudly sponsored by the Coalition of Men Who Correctly Believe Women Are Never Happy.

So how about I just skip all the excuses about how I didn’t meet any of #goalmeetup plans and let you know about the one I did meet…

I passed my MFT exam!

Which, in my opinion, is part miracle part hard work.

You may recall my post where I vomited everything I know about marriage and family therapy onto you. Well, in there I say that I call it the MFT exam when really it’s the “Lots of Letters I Don’t Remember” Exam. I really didn’t take the time to know the official name of the test because I was pretty sure it didn’t matter…

Well. I was wrong.

I walk into the testing center that Friday afternoon and let the nice man know I’m here to take the MFT exam.

Nice Man:  MFT exam? We don’t have an MFT exam… (he starts looking through his list)

Holy potatoes. The only thing I didn’t think to study for, THE NAME OF THE TEST, was going to be the death of me.

Me: Um, I don’t know the official name. But the letters M, F, and T should be in there.

Nice Man: Oh, here it is… The National Counseling for Things Marie Has Never Heard Of Exam. Let’s get you set up…

Me: No! No! No! That’s not my test! I need a test with M’s, F’s and T’s in the name. Marriage and Family Therapy. That’s what I do. Um, try AMFT…R…LC…Q… yeah, look that up.

Nice Man: You want me to look up AMFTRLCQ?

Me: Um, yeah. We’ll start there.

I was screwed.

We finally figured out which test was mine (AMFTRB) and I was ready to spend the next 4 hours working on the 200 question test. By the time I walked out I was pretty sure that me having trouble with the name of the test and that turning out to be the easiest thing I answered that afternoon was a sign that I was NOT going to get a passing score.  

Thankfully, my gut was so WRONG and I passed. No clue whatsoever on how I pulled of this miracle, but I did it.

This test doesn’t really mean anything in regards to my licensure other than I have to hurry up and get my 2000 clinical hours in stat.

And to get this out of the way, here are my November goals:

1) Stay in budget with the food (Mark and I took out the budgeted amount for food in October and did an excellent job staying in budget. We’ll be looking to do the same thing again.)
2) Get Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving.
3) Bring something (ANYTHING) to Thanksgiving dinner.
4) Love my body again by doing something active every single day (actually did an awesome job with this last month, too, but wanted to make it more tangible.
5) Seriously clean that dining/office room.

Mom:  Who are you texting?

Oh dear. I had been caught.

Me:  Monica…

Telling my mom that I had given my phone number to someone I met on The Internet was sure to be a disaster. I braced myself for a lecture on how everyone on Myspace is a rapist. Don’t I watch Dateline?

Mom: Monica? I don’t know a Monica…

Crap. Here we go.

Me: Monica. I met her on The Internet.

Mom: Monica? From The Internet? That comments on your blog? Oh, I like her. She’s funny. You know how you can just tell someone’s a good person? I get that from Monica.

Me: Mom, chill out, Monica is NOT going to rape me- Wait. What?

Mom: I like Monica. She’s funny.

Who on earth are you? My mom being down with The Internet coming to life? Never would have thought she’d be so progressive.

Mom: Do you think she knows Jesus?

Ah, there’s the mom I know and love.

You read that correctly. My very first “I only know you through The Internet but I think you’re absolutely fabulous” lunch. Moncia and The GF are wonderful, charming, and funny. Every bit as fabulous as my mom and I thought she would be.

The ONLY bad part about our lunch date was that I couldn’t keep them. Thankfully, I got pictures…

I’m not going to gush on her anymore because this is getting sick, but another reason I love her is because her brainchild is part of the reason that I have been introduced to so many other bloggers out there. I heart other bloggers. Especially sweet ones like Angelia at Amelioration of Ang who GIVE ME AWARDS! That’s so cool. Thank you, Angelia!

I don’t think I’m very much of a Kreativ Blogger. Kreativ Bloggers knit things and have etsy shops. I do neither. BUT I did draw a picture last Friday so I’m taking this award with a huge “Hellz Yeah”.

So here are the rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award. (check)
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog. (check)
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award. (check)
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting. (see below)
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers. (see below)
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate. (check)
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated. (to be done)

Ok, 7 interesting things…

a) I can’t listen to someone talk about heights/jumping out of planes/climbing rocks without my hands getting totally clammy. That’s why even thinking I’d climb a rock was hilarious from the beginning.

b) I love American Girl dolls. Right after getting married and becoming a cat parent, my visit to the American Girl store in Chicago is one of the best experiences in my life.

c) I want to tell you about my little sister’s blog because she’s so funny, but 15 year olds are moody and I’m not sure she’d be happy with me outing her corner of the internet. She’s edgy and so much cooler than me. I love it.

d) I knew I would marry Mark many times over, but one of the funniest times I knew was when he told me what he’d name his future son. When I was with the guy I dated forever I always said I wanted to name our kid Barney Barnes (his last name was Barnes). Because that’s funny. The guy hated the idea. Well, I obviously never told Mark this, but one day when we were talking about kids he said he’d want to name his son Otis. Otis Oates. Match made in heaven, right?

e) I can’t wait to be a grandparent. It looks like so much fun.

f) I’ve replaced my McDonald’s addiction with a Totino’s Pizza one. Those things are awesome.

g) I hate that Bloody Mary story that says if you turn the light off in the bathroom and say her name so many times she’ll come out of the mirror. It freaks me out and I will NEVER go into a bathroom with a light off. Ever.

I’m sure that was thrilling for all of you. Now here are my 7 Kreativ Blogger Nominations that I’ve limited to people who live in Nashville. Who knew there’d be so many TN bloggers…

My Sister – She’s funny. Especially her stories about our mom. (I’ve been permitted!)

Susan - One of my best friends that I refer to as my “partner in crime”.

Sarah  – We went to high school together and I always wondered how she always got the highest grades in Ms. Coombs’ English class. Well, she started a blog recently and it’s because she’s a brilliant writer.

Jessica – Another dear real life friend that started a blog about how to be a fashionista on a budget. I adore this girl.

The CURRENT Mrs. Smith – One of my favorite bridal bloggers turned newlywed blogger. What I love is that she stayed fun and sassy after the wedding. Not an easy thing for the newlywed bloggers of the world.

Candice – I’m not sure if you’ll be able to get to this blog because it might be private, but I love this girl. She’s SECRETIVE because she’s awesome.

Kathy and Rebekah – These are mommy bloggers with adorable kids and kid stories. Love those. They’re together because we know each other because of an intricate web of friendships. And because, technically, I’m going over my 7 nominee limit so putting them together allows me to feel like I’m following the rules.

Ok, now I just have to go comment on everyone and let them know they’ve warmed my heart with their blogging goodness…

Rebecca at Modite never fails to inspire me with her encouraging and thought-provoking ideas on career and life in general. I mean, it’s her fault that the entire Internet is trying to workout more and perform better at work. No one wants to look bad on #goalmeetup day.

Lately she’s been awesome at updating the Design & Style section of her site. I’m loving the goodness that she has been introducing to me. One of those nuggets of goodness was this post on Missed Connections. You know, those posts on Craigslist where you lament about not talking to the 7 foot model sitting next to you on the bus ride home. Well, an artist started using those Craigslist missed connection posts as inspiration and they’re pretty awesome.

So awesome, in fact, that I took a stab at illustrating my OWN recent missed connection. The Garfield cat that was hanging out on my doorstep before I left for work one morning. I chased it down, in the rain, trying to give it a can of Fancy Feast.

This “art” is dedicated to That Cat.

I really don’t have too much time on my hands. I just spend it weird.

Oh, and because I want to keep this real, I DID post an actual Missed Connection on Craigslist. For the cat.

(media: highlighters on my desk, pencil on my desk, red sharpie on my desk, and paper from the “oops, didn’t mean to print that” bin)

Get your prospect in the habit of saying yes (Secret #3)

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Mark: Sure.

Me: Can I ask you a question, YES or no? (you have to spell it out for some people)

Mark: Yes.

Time for the Big Ask…

Me: Can I have a greyhound?

Mark: What? Like a dog?

Me: Can I have a greyhound, YES or no?

Mark: No.

strike one

Ask for something big first and follow up with a relatively smaller request which is now more likely to be fulfilled (Reciprocal Concessions)

Me: Do you think we should start trying to have a baby?

Mark: No… did YOU want to start trying?

Me: Can I have a greyhound?

Mark: Oh my gosh. Are you serious?

strike two

Ask for what you want (What I try to teach couples).

Me: I would like a greyhound.

Mark: Yeah, I kinda got the hint. What sparked this great idea?

Me: I saw someone walking one on the way to work.

Mark: Yes, of course… you know that they are really high maintenance, right?

Me: I’m high maintenance!

Mark: They need lots of exercise.

Me: I need lots of exercise!

Mark: You won’t even walk to the mailbox.

Me: BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE A GREYHOUND!

Mark: I’m ignoring you.

strike 3

I want one so bad, People. I’ve used all the tricks I know. Any suggestions on how to make this beautiful creature mine?

But then again, doesn’t blogging in general put us in that category?

Phindy sent me some of the headshots last week. They’re up on all the important places: Twitter, Facebook and the Nashville Marriage Studio About Page.

There is something about getting professional pictures done that makes you think, somewhere in the back of your head, that you’re going to come out looking like Giselle Bunchen. Or at least have her butt. Right?

At first I was shocked. Where is Giselle?

And then I was like, “Oh, these are so pretty!” And I put them everywhere I could think of.

Then I told Mark that I got the pics, and he asked if I liked them. And I was stumped. Can I really say, “Yes”? Isn’t that kind of… weird?

So I just emailed them to him so he could see if HE liked them.

And then I freaked out. What if he didn’t like them? What if he finds out he isn’t attracted to me because of THESE pictures that do not look like Giselle Bunchen?

Oh dear.

So I waited for his response. Not at all Patiently.

He just stared. Silently.

I freaked.

“OMG! Tell me what you think!”

“This is beautiful. You are beautiful. I have never seen a picture that captured you as perfectly as this one.”

I think he even started tearing up and talking about how thankful he was that we had this picture. 

And all of a sudden Mindy and Phil gave me so much more than great headshots. They gave me a glimpse of what Mark sees when he thinks about the girl he loves.

And that’s beyond awesome.

When you get your Masters the very first thing people ask is, “When are you going to get your doctorate?”

Seriously? I just completed a level of education that some people don’t even have the luxury of dreaming about and you’re asking me when I’m going to do MORE? Why can’t you just be happy for me, MOM?

Just kidding. My mom NEVER pressured me about school. Ever.

After being asked when I would become Dr. McKinney (no Oates at the time) enough times I started saying, “Actually, I’m just going to stop here. At my Masters. Because who really wants to be Dr. McKinney when they can be MASTER McKinney?”

In all seriousness, I was going to stop at Masters no matter what because the idea of more school honestly makes me want to puke. And not in the good way.

I don’t talk tons about having a masters for two reasons:

1) It wasn’t THAT hard. And I don’t mean that in a condescending, gosh it’s hard to be so smart way. I mean it in a Master’s of Marriage and Family Therapy really isn’t the hardest thing in the world to get through. It wasn’t easy, but it just never felt like something to brag about.

2) I have no clue if it’s Masters or Master’s. This makes me insecure. I told you getting a masters is not an indication of my smartness.

Well, this Friday I’m taking an exam that I call the MFT exam when really it’s the “Lots of Letters I don’t remember” Exam. Basically, it’s the national test that I have to take if I want to be licensed.

I’ve been studying for this test for the past month and have really gotten serious in the last week or so. No, I’m not freaking out about ‘procrastinating’ and I really do think I’ll do fine.

What’s amazing, though, is that in reviewing all the different theories of therapy I am realizing that I was supposed to learned a whole heck of a lot of stuff!

One of the best ways for me to learn is to talk about something, or teach it to others. I should probably try to teach it to Mark, but, Dudes, these are therapy techniques. Ways to bring about change in others. If I teach him what I know I will lose all my power in this relationship. Not an option.

So I’m going to put it in the best hiding place I know when it comes to Mark. The McKinney-Oates Cereal Blog. And you, dear reader, will be my pupil. If you want a recap of what I’ve been studying read below…

(I got this idea from Erica at You Should Only Know because she’s blogging about her graduate program in Industrial/Organizational Psych which is AWESOME.)

First, marriage and family therapy is different from other therapies because we view behavior and dysfunction and health as a system. Our behaviors do not exist in vacuums. Everything is in the context of a system. “Marriage and family” is more a description of the lens we look through rather than a description of who we work with (in other words, a marriage and family therapist is more than able to work with an individual despite what the name says).

Bowen/Transgenerational
Murray Bowen is the father of this theory. His goal is to help a client achieve differentiation of self. Differentiation of self is primarily the ability to separate our thoughts from our feelings. Essentially, it’s the ability to be objective about a situation no matter your emotional state. It is also the ability to think and act for yourself. A therapist working out of the transgenerational model is going to look for the ways you are emotionally connected to your family of origin. Some of us are fused to members of our family and depend on them for acceptance, love, value, etc. Others of us are emotionally cut-off from family members and give off the appearance of “not needing anyone” or “not caring about what others think”. Being fused and cut-off are both ways to manage anxiety in our relationships. Anxiety is at the heart of Bowen’s theory because it’s what he’s trying to help individuals minimize in healthy ways. Our anxiety is at the core of most of our ‘bad behavior’. Another big part of this theory is triangulation. Any time anxiety becomes unmanageable between two people a third person is brought in (the triangle) to share the burden. This is seen in affairs (the love triangle) and in parents focusing on the child’s problems (it’s easier to deal with Susie wetting the bed than it is to deal with the loneliness in a marriage).The Bowenian therapist takes the stance of a coach guiding you towards differentiation.

(Anyone who is a fan of Carlos from Owl Sparks would be a fan of this theory and should read Edwin Friedman’s book A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the age of the quick fix.)

Contextual
If you’ve ever viewed love as a bank account with “withdrawals” and “deposits” this theory will make lots of sense to you. Basically, we all have a subconscious ledger running when it comes to our relationships. If someone is taking too much we become distrustful and our sense of justice and fairness is threatened. We each have entitlements that let us know what we are “owed” in a relationship. So a child inherently knows that they are entitled to being taken care of and loved because they are not the adult in a relationship. When we don’t get what we feel is due to us our behavior turns into destructive entitlements, or the constant feeling that the world owes us something. How able are you to trust another person to meet your needs? A high ability to trust results in a healthy relationship, a low level of trust results in an unhealthy one.  This theory also includes the piece about loyalty to one’s family of origin. Because we are cared for by our parents we end up indebted to them (this is not a bad thing) and we show this indebtedness by being loyal to our roots. An interesting case where the therapist used contextual therapy was where a child was being raised by her father and her mother had bailed on her at an early age. Her father told the daughter stories about how her mother was flighty, unreliable and selfish and this was all the daughter knew about her mother. As the daughter goes into adolescence she becomes increasingly flighty and unreliable. The therapist uncovers her loyalty to the only image of a woman in her family the daughter has, the picture her father has painted. The father is then able to paint a more complete picture of her mother that includes her positive traits so now the daughter can be loyal to those traits as well.

(The book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is not based in the contextual theory, but it does operate on the similar idea of withdrawals/deposits and empty/full love tanks.)

MRI Brief
This theory is very “to the point” and does not waste time wondering how you feel about your mother. It is almost as “pure” systemic as you can get. Problems are not a sign of deficiency in a relationship, problems are simply one point in a communication pattern. Brief therapy focuses on alleviating the problem by breaking positive feedback loops that amplify a deviation (or problem). An example of this is a woman feeling alone and hurt because she was stood up for dinner. She communicates this hurt by telling her partner that he is a scum bag who doesn’t deserve her love. He responds by staying at work later and later in an attempt to avoid further abuse. His avoidance further reinforces (or amplifies) her feelings of loneliness. The problem is maintained by this communication pattern, or viscious cycle.

The interventions in MRI Brief therapy are fascinating, in my opinion. These people are the kings of what is commonly referred to as “reverse psychology”. Reframing is defining the problem in a new way that makes it easier to see a way to change the communication pattern. Prescribing the symptom is the coolest intervention ever. Let’s say you’re anxious about taking pictures. A brief therapist would tell you to be as nervous as possible every 5 minutes. If you defy the idea then you’re going to be calm because that’s the opposite of being nervous. If you attempt to follow the directive then you’ll soon realize that you have more control than you thought and will be able to contain your nervousness.

Strategic-Haley/Madanes
This theory is very similar to MRI Brief but it not only wants to change the interactions between individuals but also the hierachies that exist in family systems. Problematic hierarchies, or family organization, include triangulation and coalitions. Triangulation is a structural misalignment where two individuals form a coalition against another family member. A coalition is the teaming up of two family members and is particularly dysfunctional when it includes a child because it raises the child to a superior or equal level of an adult. Haley is known for using directives and ordeals which are directives that make it harder to keep the symptom than give it up. Madanes moved to a more Experiential form of therapy.

Milan Systemic
Milan Systemic was created by Italian therapists and is very similar to the strategic and brief therapies. The differences include positive connotation which is similar to reframing but takes out the blaming aspect. Most diagnoses approach a client from the stance of blaming and positive connotation tries to get rid of this element by simply pointing out the positive value that each family member is working out of. Milan Systemic does not believe that a family necessarily gets anything out of bad behavior and instead has simply grown used to the patterns that are in place. Power games that include parents and children are at the root of dysfunction. Their interventions were based on hypothesizing (inviting the family to investigate the roles everyone plays in a problem), circular questioning (having family members describe their perception of family relationships) and neutrality (or curiosity which is the stance the therapist takes when helping the family). 

(These three theories are all really similar and I always get them confused. There really aren’t any great books that show this theory at work since most seem to have abandoned it and it’s simply the foundation of many other theories.)

There are tons more, but I think these are the most important ones. And I’m sure none of you got this far because OH MY GOSH how boring, right? Yeah. 

I know.